And so it begins...

Today is a little bit of a difficult day for me.

Its Payday.

Its pathetic I know. Having a payday should be a reason for joy, laughter, merriment.

But this month, which i think is the first month ever, i'm filled with fear.

Last months musings about the state of my finances made me wonder about what im missing out on in life. Don't get me wrong i'm still definitely wanting to achieve those things but this fear im feeling is to do with the fear of not being able to not just run out and buy everything in sight.

The theory of not buying random stuff when you have no money is very easy to deal with, the reality of having money in the bank and trying to persuade yourself you still don't need those things is very different.

I knew this would be hard so I've assigned myself a small budget (£40) for buying a couple of new things so i  thought it'd be easy to start and make a change but there's a whole world of pretty things swirling around and my inner teenager is throwing a proper strop about not being let loose in Primark.

The girl that has everything and nothing...

WARNING: Incoherant babbling is about to occur.

Have you ever had a moment in life where everything suddenly became as clear as day.

I've just had one.

A while ago i posted about the whole spending ban phenomenon that seemed to be sweeping the blog community and my slight confusion about the concept and whether or not it was a completely great idea or just a one way ticket to a boring existence.

I wrote my piece and then pay day hit and i went on a mass spending spree, i bought stuff, all very nice stuff that i am happy to have in my life but at the end of the day its just stuff. The money i spent on that stuff could have paid off that pesky credit card that although i never use but still takes up 30 quid of my money every month to chip slowly away at the balance on it which was caused by me buying........ something....i cant quite remember what.

And that's when it hit me. I LOVE STUFF but in a very short space of time i'll forget all about it. A new lip gloss is not going to change my life, I hardly ever wear the stuff but I have 8 of them and really that's not ok.

I'm very lucky to have all the stuff i have. I work hard enough for it, I own my own home, I have more clothes in my wardrobe that i could find occasions to wear, i have more makeup than i could get through in a year, but most months by the time it gets to the 15th i'm working out how to make the £10 quid i have left in the bank feed and entertain me until the 25th (payday). And as much as i like beans with toast (yes 'with') its hardly an inspiring way to live.

I think what i'm finally realising is that when I'm old and grey i wont remember the 10,000 tops i got in Primark but i will remember nights out with my friends, the random weekends in foreign lands and the opportunities that i can jump at because i don't have to worry about stretching my pennies to breaking point.

Now i'm not planning on rushing out to sell all my possessions but i think i might not be adding to them for a good while. If i paid off all the things i have already it would afford my life so much more possibility than i feel i have at the moment and right about now sat in the flat on a cold Sunday night the concept of having 'possibilities' is far far more attractive to me than anything else in the entire world.

So, back to the spending ban idea, i think I've come to the conclusion that, for me, not buying some stuff now would not lead to a boring existence but randomly i think not buying 'stuff' could lead me to a whole new more exciting existence. I don't like the term 'ban' so i think i'll go on a splurge on payday, i'll work out exactly what i want to buy tot up the value........... and promptly pay that amount to my credit card bill.

The practice of this might be more difficult than me sitting here pondering about it, but right now, at this current moment, i really do feel like the girl that has everything and nothing at the same time.